Polyamory : the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.
Meet Cleveland. Cleveland is a "polyamorite." Yes I made that term up. You may see the term "polyamory" listed above as Webster defines it. Here is my definition for a "polyamorite." You may notice one or two differences.
Polyamorite: delusional individual who believes (stupidly) that he/she can be "in love" with more than one person at a time.
Cleveland is the worst kind of polyamorite, he is irresistible, he has a boyfriend and he is honest. Yes I said honest. How can that be bad? Well let me tell you how it makes a person feel when they realize that after all is said and done and their heart is broken that it is their own fault.
It feels like shit.
My condensed story of Cleveland involves a wildly blissful weekend of work in a Midwestern metropolis where he was my on-site help and ultimate distraction. Cleveland is from Ohio and was flown in last minute based on a coworker's glowing referral. There was full disclosure and acknowledgment of his situation. I knew he had a boyfriend and found out very quickly after several drinks and a shared queen bed that they were "open" and that the magnetic attraction I felt was more than mutual from the moment our eyes met by the baggage claim carousel. I suppose if I believed in love at first sight I would qualify our first official meeting as such.
I was walking in very unfamiliar territory. Normally when I hear this type of scenario I run in the other direction. I have even told friends in similar situations "Don't be a moron! He has a boyfriend!" Despite my own warnings there was something about this man that lured me in and consumed me as though I were in quick sand. Maybe it was the blatant physical draw or the way he touched me but the rawness of it all was too much to deny. A more intense connection I have seldom felt. Reciprocated and complete we were both in somewhat of a daze, blinded by what we had stumbled upon in each other.
That first weekend laid the groundwork for his upcoming visit to Philly and no more than two weeks later he was with me again, staying in my house and working in my office as an annual temp for a week. Treating me as though we could never be apart and I was at complete mercy of my emotions. Despite my earnest efforts I could not stop my fiery descent into heartbreak hell. Particularly when he told me he was falling for me. How was that possible, hadn't he fallen for his boyfriend long ago? Wasn't he still in love with him and if not then why go back? Turns out I didn't really want to consider the responses to these questions. Surely the feelings we were nurturing were more potent and therefore more valid.
They weren't.
He left, returning to his boyfriend and I shut down. Oh it wasn't for too long but I was a melancholy and self-pitying schmuck for a while, too afraid to disclose every detail to any friend for fear of retaliation and declaration of my obvious mental retardation.
I did it alone and it took getting angry at him to get over it. Angry at the words he used "I love you both" or "I am so confused right now" then there is my favorite "I would love for you to meet him some day, I think you would really hit it off." What the fuck was going through his head? Better yet, what the fuck was going through MY head?
I grew up with the understanding that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Isn't that what polyamory boils down to though? What if we could all have deep emotional, sexual and mental bonds with several people at the same time? In theory the world would be much happier, or would it? My impression is not that these "polyamorites" have too much love and must dispense it to avoid bursting at the seams; but that they need to dilute the love they have and invest in many people trying to get the highest possible yield from each person to fill some void. In essence they try to trade up and get more love from people than they can or are willing to give in order to validate themselves on a very basic level.
I don't know if anyone ever is truly satisfied with one person. Or if one person can completely fill every single need in someone else. Does that give anyone the right though to be greedy? I don't think so. But I also don't think you can blame someone when they are honest. After all we are adults and educated decisions are ours to make.
I no longer feel like shit and as long as I know on what I am willing to compromise I intend on holding out for that one person who also happens to be looking for one, singular, unequivocal love in their life.
Meet Cleveland. Cleveland is a "polyamorite." Yes I made that term up. You may see the term "polyamory" listed above as Webster defines it. Here is my definition for a "polyamorite." You may notice one or two differences.
Polyamorite: delusional individual who believes (stupidly) that he/she can be "in love" with more than one person at a time.
Cleveland is the worst kind of polyamorite, he is irresistible, he has a boyfriend and he is honest. Yes I said honest. How can that be bad? Well let me tell you how it makes a person feel when they realize that after all is said and done and their heart is broken that it is their own fault.
It feels like shit.
My condensed story of Cleveland involves a wildly blissful weekend of work in a Midwestern metropolis where he was my on-site help and ultimate distraction. Cleveland is from Ohio and was flown in last minute based on a coworker's glowing referral. There was full disclosure and acknowledgment of his situation. I knew he had a boyfriend and found out very quickly after several drinks and a shared queen bed that they were "open" and that the magnetic attraction I felt was more than mutual from the moment our eyes met by the baggage claim carousel. I suppose if I believed in love at first sight I would qualify our first official meeting as such.
I was walking in very unfamiliar territory. Normally when I hear this type of scenario I run in the other direction. I have even told friends in similar situations "Don't be a moron! He has a boyfriend!" Despite my own warnings there was something about this man that lured me in and consumed me as though I were in quick sand. Maybe it was the blatant physical draw or the way he touched me but the rawness of it all was too much to deny. A more intense connection I have seldom felt. Reciprocated and complete we were both in somewhat of a daze, blinded by what we had stumbled upon in each other.
That first weekend laid the groundwork for his upcoming visit to Philly and no more than two weeks later he was with me again, staying in my house and working in my office as an annual temp for a week. Treating me as though we could never be apart and I was at complete mercy of my emotions. Despite my earnest efforts I could not stop my fiery descent into heartbreak hell. Particularly when he told me he was falling for me. How was that possible, hadn't he fallen for his boyfriend long ago? Wasn't he still in love with him and if not then why go back? Turns out I didn't really want to consider the responses to these questions. Surely the feelings we were nurturing were more potent and therefore more valid.
They weren't.
He left, returning to his boyfriend and I shut down. Oh it wasn't for too long but I was a melancholy and self-pitying schmuck for a while, too afraid to disclose every detail to any friend for fear of retaliation and declaration of my obvious mental retardation.
I did it alone and it took getting angry at him to get over it. Angry at the words he used "I love you both" or "I am so confused right now" then there is my favorite "I would love for you to meet him some day, I think you would really hit it off." What the fuck was going through his head? Better yet, what the fuck was going through MY head?
I grew up with the understanding that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Isn't that what polyamory boils down to though? What if we could all have deep emotional, sexual and mental bonds with several people at the same time? In theory the world would be much happier, or would it? My impression is not that these "polyamorites" have too much love and must dispense it to avoid bursting at the seams; but that they need to dilute the love they have and invest in many people trying to get the highest possible yield from each person to fill some void. In essence they try to trade up and get more love from people than they can or are willing to give in order to validate themselves on a very basic level.
I don't know if anyone ever is truly satisfied with one person. Or if one person can completely fill every single need in someone else. Does that give anyone the right though to be greedy? I don't think so. But I also don't think you can blame someone when they are honest. After all we are adults and educated decisions are ours to make.
I no longer feel like shit and as long as I know on what I am willing to compromise I intend on holding out for that one person who also happens to be looking for one, singular, unequivocal love in their life.
